Dumb Things Some People Do Drunk 

Featuring Brian: The Human Chaos Generator (A Triple Play Storyline!)

My brother’s first wife was away for the weekend visiting a relative. Tommy had to work Saturday, so he stayed home. He was off Sunday, so on Saturday night he and his best friend Brian cracked open some beers. And once the beers were gone, they made the kind of decision only two slightly buzzed men can make: “Let’s make blender drinks.”

Brian went to the store and came back with a bag of ice and a bottle of vodka — the two ingredients required for both cocktails and catastrophic home damage.

To break up the ice, Brian did what everyone does: he dropped the bag on the floor.

Except… you’ve never met Brian. he is the kind of guy who could trip over a cordless phone.

He’s the human version of a “wet floor” sign.

So, of course the bag didn’t just split — it detonated.

Ice shot out of every side like a glacier giving birth, skidding across the kitchen in different directions like a rogue GPS recalculating every two seconds. Brian, ever the problem solver, said:

“It’s ok, I’ll gather up the cubes and rinse them!”

Tommy stared at him.

“Rinse them? Brian… I have two cats.”

Brian blinked.

“Oh. Yeah. I forgot.” 

They salvaged the few cubes that were still in the bag and added the ice trays from the freezer. Brian asked what they were mixing the vodka with. Tommy opened the fridge and found the only beverage available: A pitcher of cherry Kool‑Aid.

So, Brian dumped the ice, vodka, and Kool‑Aid into the blender…and before Tommy could say a word - VROOOOOOM! Brian turned it on without the lid!

Cherry Kool‑Aid painted the kitchen like a crime scene from “CSI: the blender edition.”

Walls. Floor. Ceiling. Appliances. If it had a surface, it was sticky. They laughed so hard they could barely clean it — and it took HOURS.

The next day, Tommy’s wife came home, picked up the wall phone (remember those?), and said: “Tom? Why is the phone sticky?” Tommy just sighed.

Because how do you explain that?

 Brian, Part II: The Beach Chair Fiasco

After I moved from Brooklyn to NJ, Tommy and Brian came to visit for the weekend. Brian sat in a beach chair in the yard, tipping it back on two legs like a toddler testing gravity.

I warned him three times:

“Brian, stop that before you break the chair.”

He finally stopped. I went inside to grab another beer.

When I came back out, Brian was sitting in a different chair. Tommy had a smirk on his face like he was trying not to rupture a lung.

I looked at Brian.

“You broke the chair, didn’t you?”

“Uh‑huh.”

“Where’s the chair?”

Tommy pointed behind the pool. Brian had hidden it, like dogs burying evidence.

Brian Part III: Brian vs. BBQ

The next day, Brian and Tommy started drinking by noon. I joined a bit later, but we had fun swimming and laughing. Later we decided to BBQ. I had a kettle grill, the round old fashioned type with a dome lid. I had a bag of Matchlight briquettes. The briquettes are pre-soaked in lighter fluid. Designed to catch quickly. No lighter fluid needed, just toss in a match. I told Brian that. I left him to it and I went inside to make some hamburger patties.

I should’ve known better. I left him alone for five minutes. Brian had never lit a BBQ in his life. I didn’t know that. He didn’t tell me that.

He dumped the entire 20‑lb. bag of Matchlight into the grill and tossed in a match.

POOF!

Flames shot up so high they were practically waving at airplanes. I heard yelling and ran outside to see what was going on.

Brian?

Standing there holding the box of matches, looking at them like they betrayed him. The flames were nearly as tall as my second‑floor windows! And because Brian lit the grill right next to the house, the vinyl siding MELTED like a cheap candle at a summer wedding. My neighbor saw what happened and came over with a metal bucket and shovel and took out more than half the coals! Didn’t I tell you that Brian was a walking disaster?

And that my friends is what I call two stories of dumb things we do drunk!

The Takeaway:

Alcohol may lower inhibitions… but in Brian’s case, it also lowers furniture stability, kitchen hygiene, and vinyl siding integrity. Drink responsibly. Or at least… don’t let Brian near the blender. Sometimes the universe gives you a friend who is both a walking disaster and a lifetime supply of comedy material. Brian may break chairs, melt siding, and redecorate kitchens in Kool‑Aid…but he also gives you stories that become family legends.

Meteor Score: “Dumb Things People Do Drunk”

Category Score                           Notes Ice‑Bag Physics 9.6 / 10 Bag detonates like a budget glacier eruption Kitchen Carnage 9.8 / 10 Cherry Kool‑Aid crime scene worthy of CSI: Blender Unit Brian Logic 10 / 10 Rinsing cat‑floor ice + lidless blending = peak Brian Furniture Stability 8.9 / 10 Beach chair collapses under the weight of poor decisions BBQ Safety 11 / 10 20 lbs. of Matchlight + house siding melting like a candle Property Damage 9.7 / 10 Second‑floor flames waving at airplanes Laugh‑Till‑You‑Cry 10 / 10 The story escalates like a sitcom written by tequila Brian Being Brian 10 / 10 He hides chairs, melts houses, and still looks surprised!