Roger the Scam Slayer

A few years back, our phone rang during dinner. My husband Roger picked up our landline, and it was one of those classic scam calls — the kind where the guy on the other end claims he’s from Microsoft and says we have a computer virus. You know the type: an accent, a bad script, and the confidence of someone who thinks we were born yesterday.

When Roger answered the phone, the guy launches right into it:

“Sir, I am calling from Microsoft. We detected your computer has a virus.”

Roger, in a completely calm tone, says,

“Oh no … that’s no good.”  Like he’s reacting to a weather report, not a fake cyber‑emergency.

The scammer tells him not to panic; he can guide him through removing the virus. Meanwhile, we’re literally in the middle of eating our dinner. Roger tells him, “Well, my computer is old, so you will need to hold on while it boots up. The scammer reassures him that he can wait and will help him through this to “fix it”. Roger says “OK, hold on”, and my husband put the phone receiver down on the dining room table, and we continue eating …

… quietly. Like two people hiding from a bear.

 Five minutes later, Roger casually picks up the phone and says, “I’m sorry you’re waiting so long, my computer is somewhat of a dinosaur, and it takes long for everything to load up”.

 The scammer: “No worries, sir, I’m waiting here to help you” …. We continue to eat dinner!

Another 5 minutes goes by; this man must be hanging on like he’s probably imagining the commission he thinks he’s about to earn, maybe even planning what he’ll buy with it — a new headset? Maybe a better script?

 Finally, after we were done eating and stringing him along, Roger decides it’s time to end the show. He picks up the receiver and says: “OK, it’s all booted up!”

 The scammer: “Okay sir, I need you to go to start so you can open — 

And before the guy got to say another word, Roger, without missing a beat, goes:

“Before I do that … what’s your Microsoft ID?

Dead. Silence. You practically know the man’s soul left his body right at that moment.

Then — click. He was gone. Vanished. Teleported back to whatever scam cave he crawled out of.

 Roger hung up the phone, looked at me, and said,

“Well… that took care of that.”

The Amish Fireplace

Another story — and yes, Roger the Scam Slayer struck again. This one took place in 2010.

Roger was reading the Sunday newspaper, and those papers were always stuffed with insert ads and coupons. One of the most memorable was the “FREE Amish Fireplace!” ad. You know the one: a beautiful wooden handcrafted hearth, lovingly built by Amish craftsmen who clearly did not approve the marketing copy. Roger looks it over and decides to have some fun.

He calls the 800 number and says: “I’m interested in the free fireplace!”

 The customer service rep: “Great! I’ll take your information and we will get that right out to you!”

Roger gladly gives his name, address, phone number. Then the rep says: “Ok sir, now I’ll take your payment information.”

 Roger: “I’m confused… Payment? For my free fireplace?”

 Rep: “Sir, you have to buy the electric insert.”

 Roger very calmly says: “No, I’m reading your ad. It says FREE. I’ll take my free cabinet, Thank you. I don’t want the insert. You advertised it as free, so you have to give it to me free.”

 Rep: “Sir, that’s not how this works.”

 Roger: “It is how it works… especially when you advertise FREE without stating you have to buy something first.”

 The rep starts to crumble: “Sir… I… I” And Roger delivers the finishing blow: “I think the Attorney General, Consumer Affairs, and my lawyer will be very interested in my complaint.” 

And he hangs up. He had zero intention of calling anyone and reporting this. He was simply being… Roger. But what happened next, we did not expect!

 The following Sunday, the ad returned in the same newspaper,

BUT THIS TIME it said:

“Free fireplace with purchase of insert.”

BOOM — And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Roger earned his title: “The Scam Slayer”

The Takeaway

Even during dinner or a relaxing Sunday morning, Roger will absolutely waste a scammer’s time like it’s his patriotic duty. And honestly? We should all aspire to that level of calm, strategic chaos.

Scam Meteor Reading	Microsoft Scammer	Amish Fireplace Ad Dept.
Category	Score	Score
Confidence Level	10/10 — Came in bold, left spiritually defeated.	8/10 — Confident until Roger invoked the Attorney General.
Roger’s Patience	9/10 — Finished dinner before ending a man’s career.	10/10 — Read the whole ad, found the loophole, dialed with purpose.
Opponent’s Will to Live	3/10 — Declined rapidly after “What’s your Microsoft ID?”	4/10 — Wavered at “I’ll take my free cabinet.” Flatlined at “my lawyer.”
Comedy Value	9.5/10 — Better than anything on TV that night.	9/10 — The ad rewrite alone deserves an Emmy.
Actual Crime Committed	0/10 — Just serving justice with a side of mashed potatoes.	0/10 — Exposing marketing nonsense is a public service.
Impact on the World	7/10 — One scammer reconsidered his life choices.	12/10 — A national ad literally changed because of Roger.
Likelihood They’ll Call Back	0/10 — He blocked you.	0/10 — Legal said “never speak to that man again.”
Roger’s Savage Delivery	11/10 — “What’s your Microsoft ID?” should be framed.	13/10 — “Attorney General” was the verbal equivalent of a mic drop.
Scam Defense System Rating	10/10 — Powered by: Roger the Scam Slayer.	10/10 — Now with added Amish‑proofing.