Harry The Buffet Destroyer
My husband and I can put away a respectable amount of food at this local Sunday brunch we go to every so often. It’s one of our favorite haunts — an all‑you‑can‑eat buffet from 11 am to 3 pm with about twelve feet of steaming trays, plus a whole separate dessert table. It’s basically a culinary obstacle course.
But our friend — we’ll call him Harry — oh no, you don’t understand. This man eats like he has two buttholes and a backup generator.
Harry starts with an omelet AND a Belgian waffle and these waffles aren’t dainty — they’re big, fluffy, (and look like they were made by a man named Sven). Then he piles on bacon, breakfast sausage, breakfast potatoes, and sometimes swings back for Eggs Benedict like he’s topping off the tank. He washes it all down with coffee refills and orange juice.
And I’m not trying to scare you, but that’s just Harry’s warm‑up.
Less than an hour later, this man is back up there like a forklift with legs. He gets two full plates of the lunch items. Not “two plates” like a normal person — no. He fills one plate with half the buffet, eats it, then goes back and gets the other half. It’s like watching a man do laps at the Olympics.
Then — thirty minutes before we leave — he hits the
dessert table and takes one of just about everything. Cookies, brownies, pudding,
pastries, Jell‑O — if it’s on the
table, it’s on Harry’s plate.
I don’t know where he puts it. Maybe he has two
stomachs. Maybe he has two buttholes. Maybe he has a wormhole inside him that
sends the food to another dimension. Honestly, it might be a combo of all
three.
Round 1: The Warm‑Up (which is already a full meal)
Most people would be done for the day after Harry's first round.
Harry calls this “exercising.”
I don’t know what he’s exercising — maybe his right to EAT the all‑you‑can‑eat buffet? Maybe Harry looks at it like a challenge? Perhaps he's exercising his legs by getting up 17 times? Your guess is as good as mine.
Round 2: The Lunch Assault
Harry doesn’t make a plate. He makes a sampler platter of destruction and fills it with half the lunch items.
Eats it.
Goes back and gets the other half.
Eats that.
Then sometimes looks around like, “What else ya got?” He’s not grazing. He’s conducting a multi‑phase buffet campaign.
Round 3: The Dessert Mugging
One of every dessert item? That’s not dessert. That’s a large flight. And the fact that he does this after two full plates of lunch and a breakfast that would knock out a linebacker tells me one thing:
Harry is not eating. Harry is competing.
My husband and I, in the four hours this buffet is open,
probably eat enough between us to make the buffet owner nervous.
Harry is the reason the owner wakes up at 3 am in a cold sweat whispering:
“Why do I do this… why do I do this…”
Harry is the final boss of Sunday brunch. He is the undefeated champion. If they made a championship belt for all‑you‑can‑eat buffets, Harry’s belt would never leave his waist. They should hang his picture over the buffet with a sign that says:
The Takeaway:
Even when you think you can eat, there is always someone out there who treats a buffet like a competitive sport, a personal challenge, and a spiritual journey. And honestly? Watching that level of commitment is half the entertainment.
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Buffet Meteor
Score Reading |
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Featuring
Harry |
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Category Score Notes |
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Breakfast Warm‑Up Chaos 9.7 Harry warms up with a waffle the size of
a hubcap. |
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Lunch Plate Destruction 10.0 Harry made half
the buffet disappear in one lap. |
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Dessert Table Devastation 9.9 One of every dessert. At this point he’s just showing
off. |
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Stomach Capacity Mystery 11.0 Science
cannot explain this man. NASA should study him. |
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Buffet Owner’s Panic
Level 12.0 Owner wakes up at 3 am whispering, “Not again… not
HIM” |
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Overall Meteor Impact 9.8 Buffet infrastructure
compromised. Steam trays rattling. |
eat salad..salad good for you...
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