What the Heck Is That?! – Vintage Recipe Ridicule

Everything That Can Go Wrong... Happens to Me

Some people seem to glide through life effortlessly.

I am not one of those people.

 My life often feels like I accidentally signed up for a highly experimental game show called:

"Let's See What Happens to Michele Today!"

 The rules appear to be simple:

Start with a completely ordinary situation. Have it gone catastrophically sideways. Somehow survive.

Turn it into a story years later and I have many examples ...

The Foot That Needed a Makeover

There was the time I went in for what was supposed to be a simple bunion surgery. Easy-peasy, right?

Wrong.

Apparently, after the surgeon made the incision, he discovered my bones were porous. According to what he later told my husband, he actually considered stopping the procedure right then and there.

But then he remembered he had promised me a "pretty foot."

I would like everyone to pause and appreciate this.

Most people get surgery because of a medical necessity. I apparently had mine completed because my surgeon was committed to a cosmetic outcome and a promise. The man looked at my foot, looked at the complications, and apparently thought:

"Well, we're already here. Let's see this thing through."

What should have left me in a walking boot for only two weeks, ended up leaving me completely non-weight-bearing and confined to a wheelchair for five weeks!

Five.

Weeks.

The doctor explained afterwards that because of the porous bones, had I put even a little pressure on the foot, would have snapped my toe and ruin the surgical fix. 

As Christmas approached, I had one small problem. We were hosting a Christmas party for thirty people. Any reasonable person would have called a caterer, scaled things back or cancelled the party.

I am apparently not a reasonable person.

Instead, I proceeded to cater my own Christmas party as I always have, except this time it was from a wheelchair. My husband and stepson helped with the things I physically couldn't do, such as lifting giant pots of water, draining pasta, and removing hot pans from the oven.

Everything else?

Me.

Why?

 Because I have a very specific kitchen philosophy:

If you're in my kitchen, you either help only when I need and ask for help or you sit down or get out!

 There is no gray area. 

The party was a huge success. I may have rolled around the kitchen like a caterer on wheels , but we got it done.

The Hospital Vacation 

Then there was the time my doctor prescribed Levaquin (an antibiotic) when I got sick. Three days later, I felt like I'd been hit by a Mack truck.

 Not a pickup truck.

Not an Amazon delivery van.

A fully loaded Mack truck.

 My husband took me to the ER. The ER doctor initially thought I simply needed more time for the antibiotics to work. He was practically ready to send me home. Then he noticed I was also taking Metoprolol. It’s a medication for irregular heartbeats. So, he decided to run an EKG before letting me go home.

 This was one of those moments in life where things go from "you'll be fine" to "oh no" incredibly fast.

The EKG revealed I had prolonged QT intervals caused by the antibiotic, because when someone has an irregular heartbeat and needs antibiotics, Levaquin is not the answer.

 The doctor explained what that meant for me. I wish he hadn't. I was admitted to the hospital and strapped to a heart monitor. 

Oh, and they had no beds available upstairs, so I spent 33 hours in the ER on that not so comfy gurney while waiting for someone in the cardiac unit to get released so a bed would open up for me.

 Within minutes I went from mildly concerned to mentally planning my own funeral. I was also wondering why my doctor prescribed a medication that created this problem in the first place.

The ER doctor called her. She was in the hospital at the time and said she would come down.

And hour later - Nothing.

The ER doctor called again.

Fourty minutes goes by and still - Nothing.

 At this point my blood pressure probably needed its own room. Eventually a nurse came in and announced that my doctor was on the way down.

About thirty minutes later, the curtain opened. In walked a young woman I had never seen before. Now maybe she was perfectly qualified. I had no idea - but she literally looked like she was sixteen and looked less like a medical professional and more like someone who got dressed during a power outage.

 She had striped knee socks, a plaid skirt, sneakers with designs all over them, and colors that seemed to be engaged in active warfare with one another. Then there was the head band. I didn’t know if she was on her way out to play tennis or go to the gym.

 Nothing matched.

Nothing.

I stared at her.

She stared at me.

 And then I finally said: “You’re not my doctor”. 

I guess I felt I had to inform her of a fact that she already knew. I explained it in great detail too!

 I also informed her that my actual doctor needed to get herself down to the ER immediately, before I began exploring legal vocabulary. I wanted her to be accountable and I wanted answers. Then I told her to get out.

 The young woman left.

My own doctor never appeared.

Not a single time during my entire week-long stay.

 Then there was my mother. She was battling cancer in the same hospital. I specifically told everyone not to tell her I had been admitted because I didn't want her worrying.

 Apparently, nobody paied attention to that memo.

On day two, my cell phone rang. It was Mom. She asked why I hadn't been visiting. I told her I had a cold.

 There was silence.

Then she said: "Then why are you two floors above me right now?"

 Mothers.

 The FBI could learn things from mothers. Eventually I recovered completely and went home, and I did find a new doctor.

 The Christmas Box Ambush

 This final example involves Christmas decorations. Which, in my house, require enough boxes to supply a small warehouse. My husband brought all the decorations upstairs from the basement one Sunday. The next day, while he was at work, I started decorating. Everything was going wonderfully.

 Which should have been my first warning sign.

 By the end of the day, I had several empty boxes to carry back downstairs. Our basement stairs have a landing halfway down before turning toward the lower half.

This detail is important.

 I was carrying two empty boxes. In my mind, I had already reached the landing, but reality disagreed. I took what I believed was a confident step forward. Instead, I discovered there was still one more step beneath me. The next few seconds consisted of gravity enthusiastically taking over the project.

 I fell forward. I shot my hand outward to stop the fall. Remember the airport fall?

 This is a habit I really need to break.

 My hand slammed into the wall and bent backward. One box flew in one direction, and the other box went somewhere else and I hit the landing.

When everything stopped moving, I discovered I was wedged between boxes and walls like a trapped remote between couch cushions.

 I couldn't move.

I couldn't get up.

 I just laid there evaluating my life choices.

 Fortunately, about five minutes later, I heard my husband come home from work. I yelled for help. He got me up and we iced my hand a biut, then went for X-rays. Fortunately, nothing was broken and it was only a sprain. Which, for me, counts as a successful outcome.

 The Takeaway

When life gives some people lemons, they make lemonade.

When life gives me lemons, I roll into a wheelchair, an ER, or get X-rays.

Meteor Reading: Everything That Can Go Wrong…Does

Category Rating                                               Notes Surgical Plot Twists  10/10    Accidentally unlocked the deluxe wheelchair package. Christmas Party  11/10    Canceling was apparently never considered. Patient Confidence    1/10    The doctor will be right down. Narrator: She was not. Hospital Drama    9/10    Upgraded routine ER visit - to cardiac monitoring Mother's Intelligence  10/10    Located daughter's hospital room / FBI-level efficiency. Staircase Cooperation    0/10    Repeatedly fails to meet basic safety standards. Gravity's Performance  10/10    Showed enthusiasm and commitment to gracefulness Accidental Situations  12/10        Off the charts! Scientists can’t explain the phenomenon.