Bartholomew, His Scroll & That Horse: Part 2
Chef Michele with More State Paperwork (for her business)
Let me take you to The Great Pennsylvania Paperwork
Meltdown: Part 2.
Yes… part two. Because apparently the universe
decided she didn’t suffer enough the first time.
So there we were — on video chat —and she starts cursing at
her laptop like it just insulted her mother. She had logged into the State of
Pennsylvania’s online portal to fill out some Very Important Business Paperwork,
in preparation for the event she will be selling her spice blends at, and
within 30 seconds her blood pressure went from “normal” to “NASA launch
sequence.”
The screen froze. Then it unfroze. Then it asked her for the
same information she had already typed in three times. Then it logged her out
for “security reasons,” which is government‑speak for “we got bored and decided
to ruin your day.”
At one point she yelled, “WHY DOES THIS WEBSITE HATE ME?
WHAT DID I EVER DO TO PENNSYLVANIA?”
I genuinely thought she was going to flip the laptop like a hamburger
on a grill.
So, I did what any responsible friend would do: I told her
something so ridiculous, so stupid, that she had no choice but to stop
spiraling.
I said, “Michele… calm down. Bartholomew and his horse
are watching.”
Instant silence. Then she blinked at me. Then she started
laughing so hard she actually snorted.
BTW- If you missed Part 1, Bartholomew is the imaginary
medieval scribe who was supposed to deliver a letter with a code on it for her
to get back into the site to continue with that paperwork. We made up a story
together about how she has to wait for a scribe named Bartholomew, that had the
scroll with the number she needed (written using a feather quill), while his
horse judges her life choices. Apparently, he’s still employed by the State of
Pennsylvania, because the website behaved exactly like a man writing on
parchment in 1627. (You can scroll down thru her stories to find it if you like!)
Anyway — after the meltdown, the laughter, the horse, the
scroll, and the emotional support snack she grabbed afterward, she finally got
the paperwork submitted.
And that, dear readers, is why I’m writing today’s story.
Chef Michele is alive, the paperwork is done (for now), and Bartholomew has
trotted off into the sunset until the next time Pennsylvania decides to test
her sanity.
Tune in next week for whatever chaos she gets into next —
because with Michele, there’s always more chaos.
Sincerely,
Coco Ashford
Collaborator
The government works in mysterious ways so people can do nothing and get paid
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