What the Heck Is That?! – Vintage Recipe Ridicule

 

The Brooklyn Landlords

When I lived in Brooklyn NY, my first husband and I rented the upstairs apartment of a two‑family house. The landlords lived downstairs - which was fine - except for the fact that there was a door in my kitchen that led directly to a set of stairs, leading to their apartment.

A door.

 In my kitchen.

To them.

Like a direct portal to another dimension.

Every so often we heard them arguing. Nothing dramatic… just the usual Brooklyn marital soundtrack of two people that have been together over 40 years.

One day, while I was doing laundry, that kitchen door flew open like a scene from a low‑budget horror movie, and there stood one of my landlords, Fernando.

I yelled out- “FERNANDO! What are you doing?”

He asked me some ridiculous question - I don’t even remember what it was, but I remember thinking, this is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. All while I’m pulling towels out of the washer!

So, I told him, loudly and clearly:

“YOU NEED TO KNOCK BEFORE YOU ENTER…. BOUNDARIES!”

He apologized. I thought that was the end of it.

It wasn’t.

The Nightgown Incident

A few weeks later, at 7 AM, I’m in my nightgown making my son’s breakfast. The door flies open AGAIN.

I yelled, “FERNANDO WHAT IS IT WITH YOU?!”

He jumped and said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t expect you to be in a nightgown.”

I said "And i didn't expect you to just walk into my apartment like you are paying the rent! Then I just stared at him as if I were burning a hole through his soul. Like he even had one!

What exactly did he expect at seven in the morning? A ball gown? A full Broadway costume? LOL

Then he mumbled something about how I was a big woman; I told him to "speak up", but then he made it worse, because when he said it louder…  And I swear on every cat I’ve ever owned - 

That man put his hands on his own chest to mimic my large breasts while saying:

 “You’re a big woman!”.

Then he said, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

He’s damn straight he wasn’t thinking…

I walked over, pushed him back into the hallway, slammed the door, and yelled:

“DON’T EVER COME BACK UP HERE AGAIN!”

Later in the day, my husband called from work to see if I needed anything from the supermarket. So, I told him what happened.

He came home, marched straight downstairs, and gave Fernando a verbal beating so intense his wife Gianna stood there staring at Fernando, with daggers coming out of her eyes- while listening, like she was watching the finale of a horror movie.

Then my husband came upstairs, grabbed his toolbox, and installed a hook‑and‑eye lock on that kitchen door. Meanwhile, we could hear Gianna yelling at Fernando downstairs.

We laughed and laughed.

The “Robbery”

A few weeks later, there was a knock at the kitchen door - but this time it was Gianna… with a detective. A real one. Badge and everything. She said their apartment had been ransacked, and all her real jewelry was gone. The detective asked if I’d been home all day. I said yes, all day. He asked if I heard anything or saw anyone suspicious in the area lately.

Nope. Everything seemed normal and quiet. Nothing unusual.

He left his card and told me to call if I remember anything.

Three weeks later, I’m coming up the front stairs and hear Gianna yelling at Fernando again - but this time she’s crying too.

“I don’t understand why you would do this!”

Fernando replied three times, “I need the money.”

I froze. Had to listen!

Then she said, “You let me worry and be afraid for WEEKS that our house was robbed, when all along YOU staged the robbery and hid my Jewelry?!”

I thought: HOLY CRAP!

Then Fernando said, “Well, now you know, so there’s no need to worry. I have all your jewelry. You can have it back after the insurance pays.”

I went upstairs like a ninja and told my husband quietly about what i heard. He wanted to call the detective immediately, but I said no, because with our luck, Fernando would blame us and say we helped him or something. The man is clearly sick in the head.

We decided to stay out of it.

The Security Deposit

When our lease was up, we decided to move. during our stay, we had done a ton of work to the apartment - paneling, carpet, paint, removal of old wallpaper, new wallpaper, new linoleum in the kitchen, all with permission from the landlords, but they said it would be at our expense.

The linoleum got ruined because nails were popping up from the subfloor. We told Fernando the subfloor needed screws, not nails.

He said, “Just put a throw rug over the damage.”

A throw rug.

Over nails.

Coming through linoleum.

This man was a walking comedian.

We figured we’d get our security deposit back because of all the improvements. It didn't go as expected.

Fernando told a neighbor (a friend of mine) that we ruined HIS kitchen floor, and my cats ruined the stove! Trust me, the cats didn’t ruin anything. I asked her to see if he would let her in to look at the stove. She did. She reported back to me:

“There’s nothing wrong with it. Just some cat hair under the top of the stove when he lifted it up.”

I called Gianna. Explained everything. Even offered to come clean the stove.

She said:

“There is no need. Come by within the hour and I’ll have your security check. My idiot husband is always thinking of new ways to make money. Unfortunately, it's always the wrong ways! 

When i got there, she proceeded to tell me how he staged their robbery and how angry and upset she is. I acted surprised and then told her to talk to a divorce attorney.

She said she already did! LOL

I did NOT stay for the fight that surely followed. And I said a prayer for the next tenants.

THE TAKEAWAY

Sometimes the scariest part of living in Brooklyn isn’t the noise, the traffic, or the rent - it’s the people who think your apartment is open to the public like a walkway. Boundaries matter, locks matter, and if your landlord ever mimics your breasts with his own hands, it’s time to install hardware, and plan to move!

METEOR READING: The Brooklyn Landlords

Category                                 Score         Funny Notes

Landlord Boundaries           2/10           Doorway to Narnia… but worse.

Nightgown Trauma              11/10          He expected Broadway costumes at 7 AM?

Crazy Breast Mimicry         15/10          Hands-on demonstration NOBODY asked for.

Insurance Fraud Fiasco     14/10         He gave it it back after the insurance paid!

Security Deposit Drama    10/10         Throw rug over nails  - A Brooklyn landlord solution.

Overall Fiasco Level             12/10         A full-season sitcom in one apartment.